ThayerAvenue.com

The upcoming “Ike and Marilyn Show” on County Cable Montgomery (as reported by the Silver Spring Penguin) really got me thinking. At the Magical Montgomery shin dig, I noticed County Cable Montgomery had a booth, and I almost went up and asked them (much to the chagrin of my family) about getting my own cable access show. Now it’s time to get serious.

In the fine tradition of shows like Goth Talk, Jarret’s Room, and Wake Up Wakefield, I’m convinced ThayerAvenue.com could create a cable access show that would appeal far beyond the confines of “The Ave,” East Silver Spring, and even Montgomery County. How, you ask?

The answer is simple: Programming. Here’s just small sample of the hard-hitting topics and breakaway segments that could warrant discussion on what we will refer to, for now, as “TATV” (Thayer Avenue Television).

CCM Smackdown
County Cable Montgomery presents “Ike & Marylin” vs. TATV. Two shows enter, one show leaves. Maybe we can get a Gary Stith/Mel Tull combo to serve as Master Blaster. I’ll leave it to you to guess which is which.

“People-on-the-Ave” (POTA) Interviews
I can imagine the thought-provoking questions posed to Jane and John Q. Thayer on the way to and from the metro:

• Do you live on Thayer Avenue?
• Why can’t you just walk down Bonifant instead?
• Do you like Gladiator movies?
• Will you kiss me for a dollar?

Speed Bump Watch
I’ve seen some people on the listserv lately ask about the process of having speedbumps (or “traffic calming devices”) installed on their streets. The biggest issue is that they are the bane of emergency vehicles, and they sometimes don’t even do a very good job of slowing people down. While concrete proof of this might be elusive, I propose a recurring segment where we try out each of the speedbumps in the neighborhood (starting on Thayer Ave, of course) at high speeds to see what happens.

Do you really have to slow down? What’s the max speed at which the speed bump can be taken? Is it possible to chip grooves out of it in the middle of the night to facilitate even more speed? If anyone has a car they would like to donate to the cause, please contact me.

NIMBY Knowhow
What does it take to stop all development in my immediate area? How can I graduate from NIMBY to CAVE or BANANA status? All your questions get answered. And in dire times, viewers will be selected at random from a pre-arranged pool to serve as human shields tied to trees and signposts.

Crime Report
Everyone wants to know who shot who and why. We’ll delve into the grim underbelly in East Silver Spring and set booby traps for the punks opening unlocked car doors in the middle of the night to steal loose change. I swear, if I ever find that person, I’m going to beat him to a pulp and rip out his heart with a spoon.

Local Guests
Jerry McCoy of the Silver Spring Historical Society will give a detailed tutorial on eBay bid sniping. Silver Spring, Singular will reprogram the entire AFI Winter Lineup. And in special “Know Your Councilmember” editions, we’ll systematically reprogram our local representatives’ musical tastes to bring in the likes of Skid Row, Whitesnake, White Lion, and Ratt for a series of concerts at the upcoming (and hoping-to-be-built) Fillmore.

Mondays with Murray
My wife has a fascination with Murray Horwitz of the AFI Silver Theater. So I thought it would be great to invite Murray over and have him reprise various roles from Ain’t Misbehavin’, relive his days as a clown in the Ringling Bros. Circus, and tell us about his infamous Kojak appearance and why he never carries his Diners Club card.

What’s going into Shitty City Place?
An omnipresent question in DTSS retail development, this weekly segment/game that would compile a list of potential retailers that would be a good fit for the “Mall That Could Do No Right.” The leading contenders to-date: Williams Sonoma, Bed Bath & Beyond, and Merry-Go-Round.

Whew! That’s a lot. Even with a half-hour show, we’d have a lot of space to fill, and this just scratches the surface. So what would you, the reader/viewer like to see? It’s your tax money – might as well be well-spent. Start contacting your County Council representatives today and tell them, “I want my TATV!”